This one's been a long time coming. I have sat idly by and allowed people to be useless for far too long, and now it is time to lay out a few things that have been bothering me. Mount St Legg has erupted. Enjoy and contribute if you feel the urge.
• Don't be a bag of douche and put stickers all over your car. No one cares what your political affiliation is, whether you love animals, or if you think Jesus saves. This is not the way to advertise yourself, in fact, it makes your car look trashy and you look like a total moron. Slap an Indians logo in your rear window and be done with it.
• Don't be that guy and pretend you're into sports if you really aren't, and then pretend to be a Steelers fan just to be contrary. If you wanna pretend to be a sports fan, that's fine, I'll see through you and we'll have a very meaningless conversation, no harm done. However, if you sit there and reference "the Frank Thomas Era" and act like it was last season and you were there in your White Sox garb, I will be forced to give you a beer shower.
• Don't cite the Opie and Anthony show, or Howard Stern, or Rush Limbaugh for that matter, for anything other than pure entertainment/shits n giggles. If I am discussing politics or something that really matters in this world, and you bring up some shock jock moron as though they're a credible opinion on world events, the conversation will abruptly switch gears or flat out end.
• Don't continue to waste my oxygen if you live in Ohio and root for any of the following teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Michigan Wolverines, Chicago White Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, Detroit Pistons/Tigers, Miami Heat, and/or Florida Gators. You are useless. Get out of my state. You're like an American joining the Taliban, goodbye and good riddance.
• Don't claim to be a Democrat because you're pro-union. You're just dating yourself. Democratic politicians use you the same way Republicans use Christians. Don't be a political tool.
• Don't root for Notre Dame because you're catholic. Root for Notre Dame because your father did, root for them because you grew up watching them, or root for them because you're a sellout like Yankee fans, but don't make it a religious thing. God could care less about your overrated football team.
• Don't get in my face about your faith. I know you're born again, on fire for Christ, and eager to share it like it's a new toy, but believe it or not, you're more annoying than a vacuum cleaner salesman. Pipe down. I'm happy for you, but me n the Big Guy upstairs have our own thing going.
• Don't rip on professional athletes and movie stars for being better off than you are. You just come across as a bitter, selfish individual who hates anyone who does better than you. Fact of the matter is, despite not being rich and famous, you could be doing more to better your situation and the situations of others. Quit being a whiney bitch and thank your lucky stars that they pay taxes and do charity work. They certainly dont have to. No one likes a crybaby so shut up.
• Don't be a cheapskate. Tip your waitress, your bartender, and the guy who does you a favor by staying open or breaking rules to help you out. Pay it forward as they say.
• Don't be a racist. There are black people who suck at life, just like there are white, yellow, bronze, and albino people who suck. Call out the idiots, not the entire group. Oh, and ps, don't be the idiot.
• Don't call attention to yourself. Blend with the crowd. Unless the bar is blaring music to the point no one can hear each other, there is no legitimate reason to be yelling your thoughts on who the Browns should draft in the 1st round to the person next to you, unless they think Brady Quinn would make a solid franchise quarterback. In that case, don't just yell, scream.
• Don't have thin skin. So the guy lobbed out a comment about your hat being backwards. Jab him back about his pink striped shirt being borderline gay. This life is so short, why go around trying to start fights in a bar? Unless you enjoy having your freedom taken from you by some wad with a badge, just relax and laugh a little.
• Don't be the town drunk. If you have been out to the same bar or club on 3+ consecutive weekends, hitting on the same bunch of rough skanks, complaining to the same bartender about the gas prices, and getting pulled over by the same cop for weaving across the yellow line, you have problems. No, the fact that all the bartenders in one town know you by name and have the same drink waiting for you when you arrive does NOT mean you're cool. Mix in a root beer, fella.
• Don't act like people remember or particularly care when you did in the past. Yeah, you scored 5 Touchdowns against the eventual state championship team, so did Al Bundy. And take that letterman's jacket off before someone cold-cocks you. We get it, you played two years of college ball at Whereverthefuck State. No one cares. Go away until you're ready to talk about what you've accomplished lately.
• Don't rip on rednecks or act like you're better than them, and especially if you live in Ohio. Chances are, you're related to one, have married someone who is related to one, or live in the vicinity of one. You're a whole lot better than John the mechanic until your car needs new brakes, aren't you? See Racist comment above.
• Don't be a hypocrite. If you rip on people who have a Myspace, and you have a Myspace, if you bitch about people driving like idiots, and you drive like an idiot, if you whine about people using cell phones in places they shouldn't, I could go on all day. This could really apply in a great many cases, but especially in the case of Snoop Dogg jumping on someone for calling a group of women "nappy headed hoes". Tell me I'm wrong, Snoop, and say it aint so.
• Don't pick fights you cant win. If you honestly think the female teacher has the right to sleep with the 12 yr old student, just keep it to yourself. If you're talking to a 60 yr old war veteran and you think the Japanese would make a great ally in the fight against North Korea, just change the subject. If you're sitting in a room full of black people, and you think Martin Luther King Jr was overrated, bite your tongue. Kind of like in school, when you were sitting in class thinking that 6x3 equals 12. Bad time to raise your hand, ok? I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who once said, "It is better to be thought a fool than speak up and remove all doubt".
• Don't be a bossy, know-it-all. Well, unless you're me writing this blog.
• Don't rip on people for having hobbies. Unless you're curing cancer every day or rescuing starving children in a third world country, I don't wanna hear your criticism of my fantasy football league. If you're a soldier, you have every right to disdain my American sloth, you've earned it. The fat, out-of-work, single mother of 3 who collects welfare rather than getting a job? Don't tell me I cant golf on weekends, lady. I'm paying for your diapers with my taxes.
• Don't be proud of your status as a superficial, man-eating, manipulative bitch. Yeah, we see your Razr phone, your color-coordinated outfit, your Prada bag, your average tits hanging out of your $50 dollar tank top, and your newly streaked, 4 different shades of blonde. You just dumped Deiter for Bronson because he makes more money and has a fancier car? Good, now the next step is stabbing yourself in the eye with the nearest pointed object in your radius. May you get knocked up by Flava Flav.
• Don't have ANY more sex if you: already have a child or 2 out of wedlock, make less than 20 grand a year, rent instead of own, just lost your job, have a bad drug addiction, have a tendency to beat the opposite sex, find young boys strangely attractive, have contracted an STD or even fear that you may have done so, have the IQ of a 13 year old, and/or have defective genes. The very least you can do is get fixed, for the good of society, or by God I will push for a breeding license in this country. Do NOT make me do it.
• Don't act like "it's all about you". If it WERE all about you, then you would be self-sufficient enough to keep this country's economy going all by yourself, you would wear a crown and call yourself "King" without people laughing hysterically, and more people than your immediate family, 2 or 3 "friends", and the 8-10 co-workers at American Eagle would know your name. In short, if it REALLY were all about you, society would absolutely SUCK. Quit pretending and scratch that stupid bumper sticker off your '88 cutlass supreme, jackass.
• Don't be Hillary Clinton. Need I say more?
• Don't be a fair weather Cleveland fan. If you're going to criticize Lebron James for taking bad shots, walk around spewing uplifting epithets like "the Browns will never win anything", and call for Eric Wedge to be fired before the first pitch is even thrown, just go root for Chicago. We don't need you.
• Don't be a drama queen. Your life is not a soap opera; do not treat it as such. Tiffany did NOT just go there, oh no she di'int. Yeah, she definitely did, so go throw a bucket of water on yourself and get back to your life. Fellas, this goes for you too. So your old roommate stole your girl. Quit crying like a sissy, threatening to fight him in the parking lot at Panini's, and get on with it. Broads are like fish, one gets away, just keep on casting. We all know you aren't serious about killing yourself, so just stop it. The only thing worse than your whining is my having to listen to it. Mute yourself.
• Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does, so why should you?
Well kids, I think that about sums it up. There are more people I cant stand, but I cant think of them right now, so I will leave it here. If you have something to add (even if it's "don't type entire blogs bitching about how stupid people are") please leave a comment. I am out.
(This has been another edition of Josh Blogging, an affiliate of Josh Legg Enterprizes, Copyright 2007. Don't be offended, this world needs mended.)
